Crevice of My Heart

I was standing in the crevice my heart, chisel in hand, tears slipping out of the corner of my eyes. There was no love left to give. I opened my eyes as my hand reached for my breast and could feel the movement of cancer tingling beneath my palm. When the diagnosis first reached my ears, I was angry. Angry at what my life had become, angry at what I had not. Turning first to astrology and reiki, I experienced glimpses of empowerment through the spiritual aspects of a cancer journey. I focused on balancing my chakra energy centers and very quickly, the anger washed into deep sadness.

After a lifetime of judgement demanded suppression of my feelings in the patriarchal dominant society, I began to recognize and experience my emotions. I felt myself loosening years of tension and began flowing toward my true sensitive nature. I am after all a Pisces Sun, Libra Rising, Cancer Moon — my purpose is to find beauty in the vulnerability of my emotions and a balance between yin and yang energies. I needed to give myself permission to find and embrace my divine feminine.

Sadness broke apart into sharp, painful fragments of hurt. Spiritual healers helped me rise. A Shamanic journey uncovered the sources of hurt while meditation and myofascial release taught me how to let go. Acupuncture strengthened my intuition so I could listen to my body and communicate with my cells while journaling and forest bathing helped my find my voice.

I spent 20 years building positive outcomes for others, sacrificing my energy instead of harnessing it to manifest my dreams and speak my truth. I denied my own feminine creativity and my heart was broken in the process. Estrogen dominance was medically proven to be the cause of both my adenomyosis and breast cancer diagnoses. From a spiritual perspective, repetitive patterns of hurt and restricted feminine creativity led to blocked energy, which manifested as dis-ease in my body, mind, soul, and spirit.

I lost my right breast. I lost friends, family, and colleagues. I released perceptions that lead to self-sabotage. I discovered my inner child, my courageous and powerful femininity, my agency for expression, my quest for knowledge and truth, and the gift of profound wisdom. I find my power in learning to love my energy and myself. I weave a path of healing from my heart and unfurl the spiral of my magic.

I stand in a white robe, surrounded by wild yellow roses and medicinal herbs flowering in every color of the rainbow. I pray to Gaia beneath a beech tree growing quartz crystals, while Earth energy and light from the heavens swirl through all elements of my being. I feel overwhelming gratitude for my journey to wholeness, and compassion for humanity and myself. I feel streams, rivers, and lakes of grief and loss. I feel forgiveness for those who caused me pain and acceptance of pain I may have caused others. I poise myself for manifestation, trusting my light, while being present for each moment.